Today is May 2nd and my beautiful baby boy turns 3 years old. I have been actually hoping this day didn't come because it is so bitter sweet for me. All week I have been reflecting on this past year. I sat down and read some old blog posts I wrote from last year and I really can't believe how fast this year flew by. Brendan doesn't look like a baby anymore. He looks so grown up and so BIG! Yes he is tall and just so solid for his age which I think makes him look older. I am having a hard time carrying him around especially when I have to carry him up our stairs, lol.
Most parents when their kids have a birthday they might get a little emotional knowing their getting older as I do when Haley has a birthday. But for me having a child with autism makes turning a year older extremely depressing. Any autism mom that reads this will understand and relate. For me Brendan turning 3 means he is expected to have so much more developmental growth. Which on paper or when he gets tested so many more skills are add that he can't do. So it is just an age but its more than just an age for me. When people would ask me how old he was I always say just 2. I never said 2.5 or almost 3 because then more questions could or would come. At 2 years old I felt like it was a nice safe zone. The only really thing was people would say is he talking or when we are at the store people would ask him his name. But it was easy to kind of take the conversation a different direction. But already I encounter what I know is going to happen all the time. I recently ran into two moms that we used to go to Gymboree with. Its been almost a year since we saw them and the first things they ask and talk about is what preschool is he going into this fall? How is potty training going? So I just came right out and said well, "Brendan has autism so we are holding him back a year so he will not start school until next year. And potty training isn't even on my radar. And btw he is sitting in a highchair watching his iPad here at Peter Piper Pizza because he hates crowds and loud places so this is the only thing that keeps him somewhat calm." You all know me I am 100% open about Brendan having autism and I will everyone if I could. But it isn't that in these situations it is more of having to be reminded that your child is far behind and different. Man it makes me cry just writing about it. This is a pain that will never go away or ever get easier. Every year on my kids birthday I write a letter to them so here is my letter to Brendan!
Dear Brendan,
How is it that you are already 3 years old. It feels like yesterday when I was planning your 2nd birthday. Just a minute ago we were celebrating you waiving, clapping, saying momma and learning to jump. You are 100% FEARLESS. I knew I would regret you learning to jump. You jump and climb from anything and everything. We have had to bolt every single piece of furniture to the walls to keep you safe. You have never had a day where you didn't have 10 plus bruises on your little body from all your stunts around the house. You have definitely learned how to push all the boundaries. But this is part of your personality that has developed the most in the past year and I want to embrace it but I also want to keep you safe.
But the thing you love the most is just getting to be a kid and explore. You love numbers and letters so much. You know how to count backwards which almost made me fall out of my chair when I heard you. When we go to target or the grocery store your favorite thing is to look around and find and say every letter or number you see. It puts a big smile on your face. You love playing with legos, airplanes, cars and trains. You have also finally learned to like your strider bike. You love going in the front yard and riding around following your sister around the court. You love to watch strange youtube videos of kids or cartoons speaking in other languages. I swear you know what they are all saying. It is pretty fun to watch you interact with all of your videos you watch.
The best part for me this year was you getting and learning how to use your communicative device. It allows you to use your voice. Your voice may not actually be heard or say anything but you are able to use your device as your voice. However along with your device you have learned what the word "no" is. So if you don't want to do something you either say "no" or "all done". I think the device is starting to allow you to be more independent. Just the other day you wanted to stand in the bathroom and brush your own teeth. I stood there and cried watching you. Moments like this are so precious because you have worked so hard to understand everyday things we do.
The biggest change you have made this year is your social skills! OMG it is so amazing how you will come and greet everyone who walks in our house. You say :"hi" and wave and look at them in the eye!! You are wanting to play side by side with other kids, you are learning to share so good. But also your pretend play is just incredible. You are playing appropriate with almost every toy. I watched you take a baby doll and try and swaddle her in a blanket and then hold her cradled in your arms, Once again tears flowed down my face.
The thing about you that hasn't changed is your excitement over everyday things. You have a laugh that is contagious a smile that warms my heart and just a pure joy about life. I sit and watch you everyday and see what an incredible smart and fun little boy you are. If everyone could be half has happy as you, the world would be a better place.
No matter how hard the week was, or how hard the year's been for us, you always put a smile on my face. You and Haley are the reason I can get through the tough times. You both are my motivation for everything. I'm grateful everyday of my life for this amazing, perfect little boy we created. Thank you for pushing me to be the best mom I can for you! You have touched so many lives and when you are older I can't wait to share all the stories of other families that you have allowed us to help.
Happy 3rd Birthday Monster!
We love you so much!
Love,
Mom
